The defiant child
About This Episode
Children have different temperaments, which influences how their parents respond to them. A child with an easy temperament who is complacent by nature tends to receive more praise from their parents, teachers and caregivers. A child who has difficult temperament and who needs repeated redirection and discipline can wear down those who take care of them. Tune in to learn more about how to handle a defiant child.
Featuring
Additional Info
RECAP
Children have different temperaments. And their temperaments influence how their parents respond to them. A child with an easy temperment who is complacent by nature will receive more praise from their parents, teachers and caregivers. A child who has difficult temperament and who needs repeated redirection and discipline can wear down those who take care of them.
CONVERSATION
Provide a bigger picture of why you're asking your children to behave a specific way. The because “I said so” framework for defiant children frequently leads to more defiance. Seek to appeal to their internal motivation (see The Hamburger podcast) for tips on how to appeal to children's motivation. Resist trying to change your child into someone he or she is not.Resist comparing your children to others.Make sure you have some self-care as a parent so you can have the energy required to address the problems that come your way.
THIS WEEK'S ACTION
Start with one routine you can work on boundaries around (i.e, morning, afternoon, evening). Identify one repeated problem behavior you’d like to work on as a family.
- Explain what you would like to see different (be as specific as possible) and why. Example: “I am concerned how grouchy you are in the morning, and I suspect it's because how late you are going to bed. A good night sleep is really important for your well being and our family’s well being because as you are less grouchy - we are all happier.”
- Invite them/your children to consider a solution to the problem: Example: “What do you think of starting by working on going to bed an hour earlier?”
- Explore what barriers or obstacles can prevent them from this strategy working: Example: “What do you think makes it a challenge to go to bed at X hour?”
- Brainstorm solutions together to address the barriers: Example: “What are some things that you can do be ready on time for bed? How can we(I) support you?”
- Celebrate the success: Example: “I noticed how much more relaxed and more content you look this morning than previous mornings. I appreciate that you are working on going to bed on time - it makes a real difference.” Make adjustments as is needed.
TOOLS
The following tools can help you along the way.
The Struggle is Real podcast is based off the book, The Struggle is Real: Parenting in the 21st Century written by Dr. Alicia La Hoz & Dr. Paul Meier.
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