Always the Strong One!
Recently, my family and I enjoyed a weekend getaway at a lake house in Wisconsin. With three little granddaughters, Disney movies are always a must, and their choice this time was Encanto. As we watched the film together, we found ourselves discussing which character resonated with us the most. Each person shared their thoughts, with some identifying as Isabela, Miranda, the mom, and the shape shifter. When it was my turn, I realized that I identified strongly with the character of Luisa.
Growing up as the only girl among three brothers, I became accustomed to shouldering responsibilities and facing challenges head-on. It became almost second nature for my family to turn to me for solutions to various problems. I found myself putting on my problem-solving hat instinctively, without even being prompted. I carried the weight of burdens and grief for others for so long; it became an expectation, and I rose to the challenge each time.
Luisa's song, "Surface Pressure," struck a chord with me as she expressed the pressure she felt beneath the surface. Here is a section of the “Surface Pressure” song by Jessica Darrow:
Under the surface, I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us
Under the surface, the ship doesn't swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface, I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?
Line up the dominoes, a light wind blows
You try to stop it tumbling, but on and on, it goes
But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
'Cause all we know is
The constant expectation to be strong for everyone can be incredibly draining. Whether it's being the pillar of strength for family members, maintaining composure in professional settings, or navigating the complexities of relationships, the burden feels unrelenting.
Despite honing my problem-solving skills over the years, one invaluable lesson I've learned is to always start by asking two crucial questions: "What should I do?" and "Whose problem is it anyway?"
While our intentions to help and protect are noble, sometimes intervening without first identifying the problem and its rightful owner can prove counterproductive and worsen the situation. Conversely, solving problems on behalf of others may unintentionally foster dependency, hindering their growth in resilience and self-reliance.
By discerning who truly owns the problem, we can alleviate stress and empower individuals to confront and resolve their own challenges. It's about listening, providing guidance, and offering support without overshadowing their agency to find solutions.
In navigating life's complexities, embracing strength amidst pressure requires not only resilience but also the wisdom to recognize when to step back and empower others to navigate their own paths.
So to answer Luisa's question in the song, “Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?” ABSOLUTELY!
Reflection Questions:
- How has your upbringing or family dynamics influenced your approach to handling challenges and responsibilities?
- Describe a situation where you felt the need to step in and solve someone else's problem. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?
- Have you ever experienced pressure to maintain a facade of strength or competence, even when feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable? How did you cope with it?
- Discuss the balance between providing support and enabling dependence in relationships, as highlighted in the article.